New chapters

So Chris and I are doing well, which is really good. We are happy, and I am actually happy. I love him completely and while what he did is not good, I cannot rip apart our family for something that happened during an extreme time of his life. Changes are going to be made, but those will take time. The biggest being him getting out of the army for good when his contract is up. We believe that we will have a better chance at being happy if we are in the same place and hiim not being deployed all the time. So in 2013, yup that long, we will be moving back to Spartanburg, SC. If, by chance, I somehow get my teaching position back prior to then, then me and the girls will move sooner. But ultimately, we are here.

I did get a job. Not my ideal job, but it's a job and that is great. I will be working in a call center through AT&T doing relay work. Basically, I will be helping hearing impaired customers. I am excited to be getting out of the house and doing something that is productive. I love my children, but being a stay at home parent isn't something I do well. I am just happy to be able to contribute.

Chris and I are going to try very hard to keep our house now. We are like five months behind on the mortgage and we are really going to work hard at getting it back up to par so we can keep our house. We want to have a place to go back to when we get out and move back there. That means we need to take it off hte market as well. But I don't want to take it off the market until we are able to get caught up on it. But the prospect of being able to keep it is kind of exciting. Then we could possibly get a few things done that we want to do before we move back in. Who knows. We shall see.

Possible paths

The Lord has a plan for us. I guess the "fun" part is trying to figure out what that path is. Right now I am trying to do that. I am very confused about what path I belong on and don't know what to do. I am going to attempt to go back into the army, but my condition is that I go in as an officer. Since I have all this education, I don't want to go back in as enlisted. That just doesn't make sense. But I have to get a waiver because we have more than two children. That is the first dumb part. So I'm not sure if this is the path I belong on. Also, I loved being in the classroom. If I can somehow get my position back at the school, part of me wants to move back to Spartanburg and go back to the school. Then Chris can finish out his time and get out of the army. There are so many possibilities and I just don't know what to do. But I don't know if I can get my job back at the school. I know I taught well and that I was supposed to e there this year. So I guess I will just have to wait and see.

Therapy

So Chris and I are in couple's therapy and things are starting to really come out. Last week we got a lot out and at the end the therapist gave Chris "homework". He said to do one thing for me this week that was not asked for. Friday, I had testing for a job that I am trying to get. I was on my way out to the car and when I got to the van, I went to put my drink in the cup holder. Where the cup holders normally are, there were flowers that Chris had gotten me. They were so wonderful! Then on Saturday, I was feeling low, and Chris texted me from work saying to look on my pillow. There was a letter he had written me and it was wonderful. He is really trying.

In all of this, we figured out what my role in his infidelity was. So we are working through all of that and the other things. We are really trying to get past this and build a stronger marriage. What started out as us tryign to work things out for the kids, has made us realize that with God and working through all of our emotions, we can potentially have a real marriage. So we are trying. Not sure if it will end the way we want it, or if we will stay together, but we are trying. And right now that is what is important.

Separations are difficult

So last night my husband received an article 15 for adultery. Yup, he did the one thing I never thought he would do in our marraige. Now I am left pondering if I even want to save my marriage. He told me about all of this about three weeks ago, but last night it became completely real. And I thought that I would wake up this morning and not be as upset about it as I was and yet I realize I'm probably even more upset this morning. I have no interest in my marriage anymore. Why should I stay with a person who thinks it's okay to do that, whether or not they were in Iraq? I have been to Iraq. I never did that. I have stood by my husband through 4 article 15s and each one of them is for something worse than the time before. How much more am I required to take? Just because I'm a Christian I'm supposed to sit by while my husband ruins our family and I am made to look like a fool? Why don't I deserve to be happy? And why couldn't he have told me this before I quit my teaching job and before I uprooted our children and moved down here? I feel like I have given up everything in my life for him and have done it multiple times yet he does nothing and gives up nothing.

The next chapter

So next week we start our move to finally be a family who lives in one place, together! We have been separated by distance for so long and I sware it is so difficult to do. But somehow we have done it and have still managed to continue to be close. Next week starts a very long, but exciting week and we are both very happy about it.
Tuesday I drive to Georgia to get a physical completed for FCC. This is so I can finally finish my paperwork for becoming a family childcare provider. Then Wednesday Chris starts leave, Thursday we go down there to register the girls for school and go to middle school orientation, Friday we sign for our house on post, and Saturday we move! Very busy week but soooo exciting at the same time.
I have left a chapter of my life behind that hurt to do but I know it is for the best. The Lord will provide, that I do know. And I also know that those who understand why we are doing what we are doing are our true friends while others have been showing their true colors.

Annoyed

So the new teacher, who is a new new teacher is apparently anxious to get into the classroom. Well considering I am still actually teaching in it due to summer school it makes it very difficult for that to happen. And not only did I start packing my stuff today but I really got it fairly all together so that I can start removing it tomorrow. And not the teacher no, but the assistant, who is supposed to be my friend, decides to go in there this afternoon to "check" on my progress. What kind of mess is that? I mean, it's my classroom. It makes me feel pretty bad and I'm not happy about it but it also gives me more motivation to get my stuff out of there. So tomorrow I will hopefully have everything that is mine out of the house and then I can just teach there until the end of next week and be done with it. I love the school but that is making my leaving a little unhappy.

On other notes, things are moving forward. We technically move the 11th, and sign for the house the 9th. And the girls will start school the following week. Meadow will have a full day school schedule and I am really excited about that. And once I get the daycare class out of the way, I will be able to take in children and then that will help a lot. I do need to buy school supplies for the girls and so that will be some but school clothes will just have to wait a little while.

Now, to get this house sold.....

The beginning of a new chapter

So the rental on the house fell through but we took it all as a sign from the Lord that it is time for our family to be together all the time. We got housing on post and will move here in the middle of August. Our house is still for sale and hopefully it will sell because we are goign to have a rough go at it at first. I am applying here to do my own in home daycare and so that should hopefully go well. Once I get the application complete then I can take the class and go through the home inspection. Once all of that is complete I can do the daycare. I'm hoping for sometime in September I can finally get some children and start making some income again.

The girls are happy about the move and our family being together. Whytney is having a little bit of a difficult time considering her friends but that is understandable. I think that Meadow is going to do really well with having her dad home everyday. So overall, it will be a positive move. And it is the beginning of a new chapter in our lives.

So excited!!!

In four days I will travel to Ft. Gordon to spend the weekend there. The reason is because my incredible husband is finally coming home!!!!! The girls are so excited and so am I. Tuesday Whytney comes back and she will be home one day before we leave again. She is just busy busy this summer. I think it will be great for our family to finally be connected again.

On a weird note, I got an offer to rent my house yesterday. While I would love to do that so we could move, right now is unfortunately not the right time for that to happen. We still have bills to pay off, and I am under contract at the school I teach at. Plus, I am very anxious, nervous, and excited about this coming school year. This is a very big school year for me being my evaluation year. Once I get past this year then I will have my professional certificate and it will be easier for me to find employment elsewhere. So it is not time and I know that deep in my soul. Our family will be together when God is ready for that to happen. I truly hope it is sooner rather than later, but all in God's time.

Meadow has been truly trying me lately and it makes me wonder why God would place her with me. I know there must be a reason since she is here with our family, but she has so many things that I don't know how to deal with. I really hope that we get the referral soon so that we can start to understand exactly what is going on with her. Then I will hopefully be able to give her exactly what she needs.

A moment

Today I have had a few moments where I can't stop myself from crying. I have recently stopped taking my medication and have done so willingly. It hasn't been helping and I would rather not fill my body with things that do not help me. Meadow has been acting up and that upset me because I just don't know how to get through to her. Nothing works and it's difficult to deal with. Then I started crying becuase I am watching a show and a woman lost her husband, who was a police officer. That made me think of Chris and how I don't think I could survive if something happened to him. I know that God would not take him from our family unless we could survive the loss, but I can't imagine it. I truly just can't imagine life without him. Even the prospect of him wrapping his arms around me as I fall asleep is hope and if he was in heaven I wouldn't even have that to cling to. That is something I am not sure I could bear.

Whytney was truly a wonderful help today. She not only helped with the girls, but she made me lunch. Then she vaccuumed, cleaned the bathroom, did the dishes, and folded the laundry that was in the dryer. She told me later that she had asked God to help her be a better person. And that makes me want to cry too. She is a wonderful child and I hope that the Lord helps her grow into an incredible adult. She is so much more than I ever could have hoped for in a daughter. I am just glad that Chris came along and gave her the one thing in her life she never had before, a dad. I cannot wait until the adoption papers are finalized and she is legally his. In his heart he already feels she is his so might as well make it official. Then Whytney will never have to wonder again.

keeping faith

After one year away, we have only a few weeks left. While we have a direction that our life is taking, it is hard to keep faith at times. My family is my entire world. It took me a long time to realize that my family means my husband and three girls. Chris's family doesn't understand that our family means more to us than they do. We love them but Chris and I have to do what is best for our little family.

School is going okay. I am not liking this class I am taking but I am going to deal with it for the next couple weeks. Then I will be in another class. I can't wait to be finished with all this excel stuff. I also can't wait to be finished with summer school. I am glad that I am working this summer but it is really putting a damper on a few things. Like my mother-in-law called and said I could use a timeshare at the beach for a week. That is a free place to stay for a week at the beach! So that isn't fun at all. But I am going to try and make it to where I can possibly get down there for at least a couple days. But I shall see.

I need to finish painting my kitchen and my living room. I was going to do the kitchen orange but now I'm not sure. I think I should just paint it the beige color I am doing the rest of the living room. What if I paint it orange and the realtor tells me I have to change it again? I want it to be orange but I just don't know what to do. I am really confused. At least my bedroom, bathroom and the other bathroom are finished. Once I get the living room and kitchen finished then I will just keep the girls' rooms as clean as possible. Poor Whyt's room is jammed full of stuff. Lizzie and Meadow's room isn't quite as bad. I just can't wait for the house to sell so that I am able to have more space. Whether it be a house here in Spartanburg or a house somewhere else. That all depends on our future plans as a family.
I am trying so hard to get my house clean and I need to paint the kitchen and the living room. I think I need to get to work on the kitchen since I can but it's hard with these kids.

Ever wonder????

Sometimes I sit and think about things and wonder what other people wonder about their life? Do people wonder about the future and what path is the one God wants them to follow like I do? I ask these because my husband and I are very different in this way. I am always looking towards the future while he concentrates only on today. Just a curiosity I suppose on my part.

Things are going okay although I wish I would have decided against teaching summer school. I like teaching and am glad I am busy during hte day but I do wish I had more time at home. There are things I need to get completed and my school is suffering because of this. But I will be okay. I will teach for another month and then I will be finished. Then school will start for the year and I will be in teh classroom all day again. Part of me regrets moving down to kindergarten but part of me is also very glad. With my scores in ELA for the students I wish I was able to continue what I was doing there. But God wants me in Kindergarten so that is where I will be. I just hope I am able to help these little girls learn as much as the boys I had this last school year.

Chris and I are doing fabulously and that is wonderful. He will be home from his deployment soon and we will get back into our weekend routine. While that is good, I wish we were able to be together all the time. Hopefully within the next few years that will become our reality rather than just something we wish for.

I am going to get Meadow a referral to a doctor in Greenville to have her evaluated for her behavior. I think there is more than ADHD going on with her and I want to know everything I can so that we can help her the best ways possible. I love her and worry about her and want to make sure that she is getting all of the help she needs for everything.

Whytney gets on her very first airplane ride by herself next weekend. She has flown many times but this will be her first solo trip. I am nervous but I know she will be okay.

Lizzie Lou is doing wonderfully and she is growing so big and strong. While I never wanted three children, I couldn't have asked for a better third child. She is a wonderful little girl who is just like her oldest sister but has some of her other sister's energy. We shall see how she turns out when she is older.

Ahhh, now to get our house back on the market and get it sold so we can move to wherever it is we will move to.

Down and out

Today I have been feeling a bit depressed. I am not exactly sure why I feel that way, but I do. I really miss my husband right now and it's just been awfully hard as of late. Although, I really should be happy because he will be home in a few weeks or so. I really just can't wait for him to be back home and with our family again. It's bittersweet in some ways because we already know when his next deployment is going to be. So the next months I will always have that in the back of my mind and will know that it is coming again. I have never been so in love with anyone and while this is the life we live currently, it does not make the separation any easier. I think that because our love is so deep and our connection so true, it makes it more difficult. Next deployment our 4 year old will be in kindergarten and our 14 month old will be almost 3 years old. So we have time, but not a ton. I can't wait until that deployment is over and his time in the army is finished and we can be together all the time. At that time our youngest will be about to start kindergarten, our middle will be finishing 1st grade, and our oldest will be finishing the 7th grade. We will finally have the life we are supposed to have and our children will finally have mommy and daddy home all the time.

Lots of changes

Since deciding to stay in our house and not sell it due to multiple reasons, I have been fixated on fixing it the way I want it. I am trying to truly make it home for me and I have no decorating sense whatsoever. So my friend is helping me and we are concentrating on one room at a time. Right now we are doing the master bedroom. I have painted it and have gotten new bedding and stuff. Now crown molding is going up and new baseboards. It should be finished here in a week or so. I can't wait. Then it's the living room and kitchen. Whytney wants to do her room too but we shall see what happens there. I think I'm honestly just trying to keep my mind off of things because I miss Chris so badly. I want things to be pretty when he comes home. I miss him so much and I hate him being gone. There is also a bunch of drama at school and I am trying to keep my mind off of all of that too. None of the drama involves me but it seems like when it involves anyone everyone at school has to suffer for it. But oh well. I will survive this. I am excited that tomorrow I get to move things into my new classroom. I can't believe I am going to be teaching kindergarten! I hope it goes well. Next year is my evaluation year and that will be a very big deal. Once I pass that then I will have my professional certificate. And that will enable me to truly be able to teach. So if Chris stays in the army then I will be able to teach with the DOD. Or, if we stay here, then I can teach here. I will just have more options overall. So we shall see what happens. Right now I just want my husband to come home and wrap his arms around me. I want him to hold me tight and make me feel safe.

End of my first year

So in a few weeks I will have officially ended my first year of teaching. It has been an amazing year with lots of ups and downs. I have managed to teach, begin my 2nd master's degree program, take care of my girls and deal with Chris being deployed to Iraq for the 3rd time. Next year I tackle an entire new being with being in kindergarten. And I really can't wait for Chris to come back to the states this summer. This year has flown by and me working has truly helped that happen. If I had been at home I can't imagine how long and boring it would have been for me.

Meadow is on medication now for her ADHD and so far it hasn't made a difference. But it will take time to get situated in her body. Whytney has a really huge soccer camp she's going to in June that lasts all day for a week. Lizzie is just going to enjoy the summer too. I signed the kids up for the free bowling thing they have here, which is totally awesome. They get to bowl 2 games per day for free all summer long. I think that is just fantastic. And I paid for the adult one that is only 25 dollars so that I get the same deal as them! And they have free movie days here during the summer too so I really can't wait to take the kids and actually be able to do things with them this summer. And that it will be cost effective makes it even better.

I have already made tentative plans for Whytney's christmas present. I haven't talked to Chris about it and it is going to be really expensive but I think she would love it. I want to get her a quad. We live in the country and she loves them a lot so why not let her have her own? Plus if it gets her outside more then why not?

Not sure what to buy Meadow yet, but I will think about it. We limit the girls to three presents since that is what Jesus got so I just have to figure out what to get her. I just want to start early so I know what I'm looking at.

Attacks

Recently I made the decision to move the grade level that I am teaching next year. I spoke with the principal and the day it became official that this change was going to happen, attacks started. I prayed over this for months before I made it known and I find it interesting that the day it became official things started happening that solidified that decision. I feel like Satan is attacking me and trying to stop me from teaching and I know that in the end this is what God has called me to do. Everyday I love seeing these children and helping them gain the knowledge that they need to learn. I have never loved something so much. I have not called in sick one day this entire school year. I have taken days off for various reasons but they have all been planned in advance. And to be attacked because a student is upset for being punished for something they did really upsets me. What happened to the days when we were in school and our parents believed if we got punished then we indeed did something. They talked to the teacher and got their story before making a rash decision. Nobody blamed teachers for all of their child's problems and I find it ridiculous that so many parents nowadays make all these excuses for their children. But I put a brave face on and I drive forward because I know that the children are a product of their environment. And they are just doing what they have been taught to do their entire lives.

Randomness

Whytney is really starting to shine on the soccer field. She has a good team this season and I think that it has helped her to work harder. Since she has a solid team who all work well together she has really been pushing herself. Her footwork is getting a lot better and she has a lot more confidence on the field. Yesterday her team won their game 5-0 and that is fantastic!

Having decided to take the house off the market, I noticed that I feel a little less stressed. It's almost like we have made the decision for Chris to get out of the army when his contract is up and we are staying here. I have a teaching position for next year, although no contract yet as they have not come out. But I do know I will not be teaching what I teach this year. Next year I get to teach Kindergarten and I will have the most awesome assistant ever! I am really excited about this change and I can't wait for next year!

The girls are doing great. It's hard to believe that Lizzie is a year now and that next Saturday Meadow will officially be 4. If things go well for her this coming year, she will be in kindergarten for the 2011-2012 year. Whytney starts middle school in the fall and that is just wow. She is growing up so fast. They all are.

I had a dream last night where I was in labor and that I had another baby girl. I know what the name and everything was but parts of the dream were really weird. Like, my dad and my mom were together and they were traveling. Not quite sure exactly what meaning it all had, especially with my mom being in the dream. But oh well.

Chris has only been gone for 9 days but it feels like a month already. At least he is on the downside of the deployment and only a few more months are left. We just miss him so much and can't wait for him to get home.

Leave was great

Chris came home for his two weeks of R&R and we had a blast. He is gone now, back in Iraq, but we had a great time while he was here. Only a few months left and then we will be together again. I can't wait. The girls had a great time with their daddy and are anxious for his return.

Things are going okay otherwise, with exception of thing with Whytney's school. But that will be taken care of hopefully today. I am concerned about her teacher and I am hoping that this gets resolved quickly so that it does not have to go further than it already has.

Oh the possibilities

I am trying very hard not to get my hopes up, but a couple who looked at our house last weekend is coming back this weekend for a 2nd showing! This means they are very serious about our house and it could potentially be the house for them! We shall see. I know it's in God's hands and that ultimately it's whatever his plan is for us. But this possibly leaves a few things open for us and I am not sure what the best thing is for our family. I guess the best thing to do is to wait and see what happens there and then figure the rest out. Really, there are two options if our house sells.

1. We rent a house here and stay here in town while Chris gets back from Iraq and stays in Georgia. I will be able to continue to teach at the school I am currently at and Meadow will be able to stay in her school and get speech therapy and OT.

or

2. I leave my current teaching position at the end of the school year and we pack up and move to Georgia to all live as a family. I would have to search for work but we would all be together and our family being together all the time is important.

It's something I am not pondering too much until I know for sure what is happening with our home. Only time and God's will will tell what ultimately happens.

Wonders about the stress

As I sit here I wonder sometimes what is worth it. I teach students who have somehow gone through the school system learning how to completely disrespect adults and authority. I love these kids and yet they seem to think that they can get away with anything. I am not going to sit here and play nice when they think it's okay to not do work and not put forth any effort. It just gets to me and I wonder sometimes why I am here.

Other than that stressor, things are going well. It's been over six months since Chris has been gone and it's hard but we are surviving. He gets to come home on leave sometime soon and I can't wait. I miss him terribly. The girls need their daddy home too. We have options we are considering for the future and whether or not he is staying in. We have three years and a couple months before he is supposed to get out so we will figure it out from there. But for now I just really need him home to hold me at night.

Time away

Last weekend I went on a marriage/spousal retreat with my oldest daughter that was through the army. There were a few spouses there whose husbands were deployed and then some married couples. It was fun and we enjoyed ourselves. It was one of those times where I definitely looked at the army in a positive light. We have three years to decide what we are going to do. We aren't sure and who knows what will happen. I know that right now I have a teaching position, but that could change in an instant. I also know that right now he has a stable job and even though he's deployed, we are doing fabulously as a couple. I think that it's making the deployment easier on the kids too because I'm not upset and Chris and I aren't fighting. So we shall see.

School is what it is and I'm starting back to get another master's degree soon. Well like in two weeks. But I think that it's something that is definitely beneficial to what I am doing here. It will help me regardless and I think that having that will help people see me in a different light if I do end up having to move with the army.

Hopefully our house will sell soon but who knows. I have one prospect and so we shall see what comes of that......