Summer/Reflection of the year

So the end of year is tomorrow.  I have a few days of packing up my room and so forth to do, but it's pretty much complete.  I know what grade I am teaching next year and what subjects.  However, I feel heavy hearted.  I know that I have a job, and I love the students I teach.  But I hate always feeling like I'm not good enough.  I wish my self esteem were better, and that I were more confident.  I don't know how, after 35 years, to change this self doubt that I always have.  I am going to spend my summer trying to learn how to teach better and how to "play the game".  I hate that part of teaching.  I wish I could just come in and teach my kids and do what I know how to do.  But it doesn't seem to matter to others.  They want me to play the game and do what they want and how they want it.  I guess I will try.  I may succeed at it, and I may not.  I guess time will tell.  But I have a couple months to figure it all out I guess.

My oldest daughter is officially a high school student, which is scary and makes me sad knowing how quickly she has grown up.  My middle is officially a first grader, which is an accomplishment that many may not understand.  Her teacher this year has helped her in so many ways.  I realized fully today during her graduation when she was starting a meltdown.  Her graduation cap was coming off and she couldn't keep it on.  She about lost it and her teacher got her attention and gave her a signal and she just calmed right now.  That was amazing for me to witness and I was so thrilled to see that.  I pray that next year she is able to have a teacher she responds to like she did her teacher this year.

Living for the Lord, FINALLY!

In February my family began attending a new church in Columbia.  It isn't "new" but it was new to us. We went on that first day and knew that immediately it was the place the Lord wanted us to be at.  We bribed Whytney to go with us the next week, and she said it was cool but she was still not going to change her mind about not believing in God.  

The end of February Pastor P preached about tithing.  My husband and I had never thought that it was necessary, until we heard that sermon.  Pastor P said that they did a thing called the 90 day tithe challenge.  That he challenges all to tithe faithfully for 90 days.  If we are not blessed in that time the church will refund every cent that is tithed by that person at the end.  We took the 90 day tithing challenge and decided to be faithful to our church.  We put our first tithe in the collection plate March 3, 2013.  And at that service, our oldest daughter finally gave her life to the Lord.  If that wasn't a blessing then I don't know what is.  We were thrilled and continue to be so to this day!  

Through this short time we have attended this church, I have felt more immersed in faith than ever before.  I feel the holy spirit like I have never felt in my life.  We are becoming more faithful in so many ways and it is wonderful.  Whytney has been baptized, I am volunteering at church and so is my husband.  He is also preparing for the Lord to use him musically as he begins to work with the band.  But the Lord is blessing me in more than just at service.

I am now volunteering at a place where I can help truly make a difference in someone's life.  I am now counseling women at a crisis pregnancy center.  I get to share the gospel and hopefully help a young mother to make the right decisions as far as her child is concerned.  I am praying constantly that I am able to help others and make a difference.  And through all of us, I am humbled by the fact that the Lord is blessing me with the opportunity to do HIS work.  

I am 34 years old, and just now to the point where I am starting to understand what it means to live for the Lord.  I am sad that I did not know this before, but excited that I know it now and am able to live my life the way it was always intended to be lived.  And for that, I thank the Lord for giving me His grace and saving me from myself.