Being positive

Some days are harder than others for me to be positive about things. I have noticed that when I get depressed, I get crazy depressed. Yesterday I couldn't barely get out of bed let alone function on a normal level. But today I woke up, tired as helk, but feel like I could take on the world. I seriously think something is wrong with me but it's like I can't seem to find meds that really do the trick. Yet trying to get in with a psych doctor is like pulling teeth. They are always booked out and unless you catch them like the 1st of the month they can't even attempt to get you an appointment for like four months from then. It is really proving to be a very difficult thing for me to handle at this point but I feel like I have no choice. I just hate it for the girls. Hopefully this class for cna that I am planning on taking that starts the end of May will help.

Meadow's IEP meeting May 10th has me a bit worried but I'm fairly certain I already know the outcome. I am pretty sure she will spend another year in preK or at least in the class she is in now. But until the meeting I can't be sure for sure. I will just have to wait and see.

Lizzie is doing so well and she is starting to potty on her own. It makes me so happy. I can't wait until she is completely potty trained and is able to wear regular undies. I can't wait for her! Plus it will surely make my life a lot easier. That is another thing I can't wait for. No more diapers, ever!

Whyt has her last week of soccer this week and she is going to be so bored after that is over. But it's only over for like a month because she has tryouts for next year the end of May and then camps and such if she chooses to go to those. We shall see what happens.....

Why me!!!!?????!!!

So we are stuck at Ft. Gordon. I am not happy but I think I'm really just unhappy in general. I'm not sure how much of my depression and unhappiness has to do with us not pcsing. I just don't know if I'm happy with any part of my life anymore. I love my husband, and I love my kids. But I keep having thoughts of wanting to just leave it all and just start over fresh, with no ties to anyone or anything. But I can't leave them. I love them all so much. I know a big part of my unhappiness is my sitting at home all the time. I really need a job and I need to do something because I feel like I'm just sitting here losing my mind more and more everyday. I love raising the girls and I'm glad to be home to do things with them but it's a nightmare for me mentally and emotionally. And it's not fair to the girls. It really isn't. I just wish that I knew what God wanted for me and my life. I feel like I'm drowning and have no life support.

Spring Cleaning

So today I woke up and just decided to start going through things. My husband and oldest had the unfortunate task of helping me since I can't do everything by myself at this moment in time. I am still healing, although it's been 4 and a half weeks. But I got so much done and I feel really good about what we got accomplished today. I feel like I can breathe a bit now and my house doesn't feel so cramped downstairs to me any longer. The way the living room area is shaped is so odd that it is difficult to really have room for things and them look right. So just moving one bookshelf out of the room has opened it up a lot. Ah, I can breathe now and go cook dinner. I still need to tackle my kitchen and will do so when I have more energy.

So much drama

So my daughter is in 6th grade, almost finished with it and lately things have been coming up that I just still can't wrap my head around. Bullying is starting to become much more apparent than in previous years, and there is a clear line of who is who. In this sense, and many others, I am glad that next year she will be attending a magnet school instead of the one here on post. The teachers here are horrible and nobody cares about the students. Recently an issue arose where a girl in my daughter's class brought a condom to school and other things occurred. Whytney did the right thing and told me about it when she came home. The only reason this issue was even addressed at school is because I sent an email to ever teacher, the principal and the superintendent of the district. I never should have had to go that far but the school literally does nothing. Then I see on the news that the other county district is passing stricter bullying laws. You would think that this county would get their head's out of their behinds and do that as well. Oh well. Only so much I can fight the system. This is why I try to stay out of Whyt's school stuff mostly.

So we got turned down by EFMP for us moving to Ft. Campbell. We have 2 years left in the army and then we are finished with it. Chris wants to use his GI Bill to go to school and become a nurse. I am also going to concentrate on getting back into teaching once we are up there. The girls are happy because they can stay here and don't have to move again for awhile. And Whytney will be back just in time to start high school. I hope her high school experience is better than a friend of mine's daughter's experience has been so far.

Need something

but I'm not sure what. Lately things with Chris have been getting tense and it's mostly on my part. I know it is and I'm not sure what to do to change it. The past has decided to rear it's ugly head and I can't seem to get it out of my mind. I think about what would happen if I died and I know now that he could move on easier than I ever could if something happened. And that makes me wonder if this is a life I need to continue with. The girls adore their dad and I hate that I am even having thoughts of the possibility of leaving. I have prayed and prayed and don't know what to do. I don't feel closer to Chris suddenly, I feel like I'm pulling away. And I don't know what to do to stop it. The therapist we saw is no longer here on post, he moved to Ft. Stewart so I can't even go back and see him. I wish I knew what to do.

Wonders where our life will lead us

Things are so up in the air and that never does well with me. I hate that we are pending assignment but that depends on EFMP. And if it takes too long for EFMP then we are stuck here anyway unless Chris gets promoted finally. And I also am getting depressed, which is another thing that isn't good. But the only thing that helps is exercise, which I can't do for 3 more weeks. Well 3 1/2 really. I hate sitting around doing nothing. I feel like I'm just getting fatter and not losing anything. And sitting around and being depressed makes me want to eat so that is never a good combination. I think I want to go buy a bike. And then I need to get a seat for Lizzie for the back of it. Then I can take her out for rides when the girls are at school and Chris is at work. I think it would be nice to ride with her. She may really like it and I think it would be good exercise when I can exercise again. Also the pool will open up here in a month or so and then we can go there. I really need to get a new swimsuit. I do have one that I need to try on again to see if it works still. I just want to get outside and exercise. I'm sick of being stuck in the house.

Our house is in negotiation and that is a good sign I guess. We are hoping something happens and it sells soon because we really need that one thing off our backs. Then we can concentrate on other things. I am grateful that next tax year we will most likely be able to pay off the car and have one less car payment. If we can get rid of our car payments by the time Chris is supposed to get out of the army in 2 years then the transition to civilian life will be much easier for us. And we can always stay with my dad until we are on our feet and we are doing okay. And I know that we will survive. Now that we have this 2 years, I just have a feeling we will survive just fine. And then we can work on getting our credit back to where it needs to be.

I am really missing so much right now. This weekend we go to Spartanburg and I really can't wait for that. I need to get out of here for awhile. And I can't wait to see people that I miss. I just wish that other people, who lived farther, would be able to be there. But one weekend wouldn't be enough to catch up with them! If gas prices weren't so high we would go driving cross country this summer but I'm thinking we are going to have to wait on that a bit. Which totally sucks because I really want to go to Wyoming and see Renee, and to Cali to see Carina. I still may be able to fly out to see her but I'm not sure yet. I keep postponing it and I can't keep doing that. I need to get off my butt and do something about it.