Summer/Reflection of the year

So the end of year is tomorrow.  I have a few days of packing up my room and so forth to do, but it's pretty much complete.  I know what grade I am teaching next year and what subjects.  However, I feel heavy hearted.  I know that I have a job, and I love the students I teach.  But I hate always feeling like I'm not good enough.  I wish my self esteem were better, and that I were more confident.  I don't know how, after 35 years, to change this self doubt that I always have.  I am going to spend my summer trying to learn how to teach better and how to "play the game".  I hate that part of teaching.  I wish I could just come in and teach my kids and do what I know how to do.  But it doesn't seem to matter to others.  They want me to play the game and do what they want and how they want it.  I guess I will try.  I may succeed at it, and I may not.  I guess time will tell.  But I have a couple months to figure it all out I guess.

My oldest daughter is officially a high school student, which is scary and makes me sad knowing how quickly she has grown up.  My middle is officially a first grader, which is an accomplishment that many may not understand.  Her teacher this year has helped her in so many ways.  I realized fully today during her graduation when she was starting a meltdown.  Her graduation cap was coming off and she couldn't keep it on.  She about lost it and her teacher got her attention and gave her a signal and she just calmed right now.  That was amazing for me to witness and I was so thrilled to see that.  I pray that next year she is able to have a teacher she responds to like she did her teacher this year.

Living for the Lord, FINALLY!

In February my family began attending a new church in Columbia.  It isn't "new" but it was new to us. We went on that first day and knew that immediately it was the place the Lord wanted us to be at.  We bribed Whytney to go with us the next week, and she said it was cool but she was still not going to change her mind about not believing in God.  

The end of February Pastor P preached about tithing.  My husband and I had never thought that it was necessary, until we heard that sermon.  Pastor P said that they did a thing called the 90 day tithe challenge.  That he challenges all to tithe faithfully for 90 days.  If we are not blessed in that time the church will refund every cent that is tithed by that person at the end.  We took the 90 day tithing challenge and decided to be faithful to our church.  We put our first tithe in the collection plate March 3, 2013.  And at that service, our oldest daughter finally gave her life to the Lord.  If that wasn't a blessing then I don't know what is.  We were thrilled and continue to be so to this day!  

Through this short time we have attended this church, I have felt more immersed in faith than ever before.  I feel the holy spirit like I have never felt in my life.  We are becoming more faithful in so many ways and it is wonderful.  Whytney has been baptized, I am volunteering at church and so is my husband.  He is also preparing for the Lord to use him musically as he begins to work with the band.  But the Lord is blessing me in more than just at service.

I am now volunteering at a place where I can help truly make a difference in someone's life.  I am now counseling women at a crisis pregnancy center.  I get to share the gospel and hopefully help a young mother to make the right decisions as far as her child is concerned.  I am praying constantly that I am able to help others and make a difference.  And through all of us, I am humbled by the fact that the Lord is blessing me with the opportunity to do HIS work.  

I am 34 years old, and just now to the point where I am starting to understand what it means to live for the Lord.  I am sad that I did not know this before, but excited that I know it now and am able to live my life the way it was always intended to be lived.  And for that, I thank the Lord for giving me His grace and saving me from myself.

The end of one chapter and the beginning of another

Today marks the end of 2012.  This was the year that the world was supposed to end and well we are all still here.  This year marked my reentrance to teaching, which I am thrilled to have again.  This year also marked our decision to finally leave the active duty army life.  After ten years of army life it is a big decision.  While that decision will truly be carried out in 2013, the decision was made in June of this year.
The girls are doing well and we are marking the end of the year by taking them to see horses.  Whytney is very happy and the younger two are excited.  We will not do anything special or different tonight as it is just another night for our family.  We are some of the lucky ones in my husband's unit who does not have the impending deployment on our minds.  I am grateful for my family being together and it is truly because of the grace of God that this able to happen.
I have worked very hard this year to try and do the best job as a parent, wife, and professional that I am able.  As this new year comes I hope that we are able to get our financial situation under control and get out of debt in some ways.  If things go to plan as we have currently, we will be out of debt within five years.  I am determined for this to happen so our family can truly be financially free.  Then we can work on college for the girls and making sure the girls have all that they need.
I have seen my friends become parents, enjoy first birthdays, and go through many trials this year.  I am blessed to know every person in my life and to have them there.  I have had family members go through many different trials and I have seen God shine through those situations.  It is amazing to see and to be a small part of.
This year we are going to focus on finding a church home for us.  There is a church that is being built close to us that has a campus in our old town.  Friends who attend this church say it is truly amazing and I am so excited to be able to try it out.  I just pray that my oldest finds her way back to the Lord and immerses herself deeply into his teachings and his word.

My wishes for 2013 are just that.  I want to become a more spiritual family.  I want our family to truly live in the Lord's light and be what He wants us to be.  That means more fellowship, more bible studies, and more time with the Lord.  It also means becoming financially free from those who we owe money to.  The Lord wants us all to be full of heavenly treasures and I know that through Him I will be able to be the best mother, wife, friend, family member, and teacher that He knows I am capable of.

Winter time

So it's winter here in the Cantrell household.  School is now about halfway over and that is good but scary for me.  I am worried about my students and my ability to give them what they need.  But I try my best and I'm hoping that with more training on specific areas I will be more apt to help.

Meadow is doing incredible in school.  We were worried at the beginning of the year putting her in a regular classroom for kindergarten and her anxiety at the beginning of the year was worrisome.  But she overcame so much and she is now doing well and is just like any other little one in her class.  To me that is amazing and I am so thrilled to have her so happy every day.

The other two girls are doing equally amazing and I realize how blessed I am to have them in my life.  I have such wonderful girls and everyday I am reminded why.

We are about to embark on a huge transition in the next few months and I am scared to death but excited as well.  Once the end of May hits we will no longer be an active duty army family.  Hubby is staying reserve or guard but will not be active.  It's time for him to go to school and time for me to be the one that does the heavy lifting.

I did start a doctoral program and that is going well.  It should take awhile so luckily it isn't something that has to be done right this second.  I am just trying very hard to better myself education wise so that I am better able to be the best teacher God wants me to be.

my back

So I hurt my back again on Sunday. I was all about reorganizing things and just turned and a sharp pain went through my back. I thought it would work itself out but it didn't so I had to leave school and ended up spending five hours at the emergency room yesterday. I went to school today just to be told to go home because the doctor wanted me home today. So I am sitting here not really loving being here but dealing with it. I also wish my back would hurry up and get better. It is driving me nuts sitting here not being able to move around as easily as I am used to. This is just yet another sign that my weight is getting out of control and I need to fix it. Time to start figuring out how to make that happen.

Lately

Life lately has been extremely frustrating for me. My husband has decided he doesn't need to help out with anything and with me working like I do I don't have time to make sure our house is the way I want it to be. It has been really upsetting me and finally last time I called him out on it. This being after he told me he was finishing up a game and he would be upstairs. An hour later and still no Chris. I was so mad. I told him he was digging himself a nice big hole. He got all defensive but then just acted like he was sorry because I was mad at him. I don't think he actually gets it. It's like he only cares because I have to say something. He can't do it on his own and it really makes me mad. I swear, I have four children not 3 and a husband. It drives me insane.

Teaching is going well. This past week was really good overall. Monday was horrible but the rest of the week was so great. I am still anxious until I receive that contract for next school year but I know that I will be okay.

My girls are doing well. Lizzie is definitely becoming Mommy's girl, especially now that I'm not home all the time. Meadow is doing a great job with things and is progressing in her different therapies. Whyt is finally bringing her grades back up, slowly. Hopefully she will bring them back up to a decent level before the end of school.

Stressors

So lately things have been weighing on me and I think that the stress of it all is proving to cause me some issues. I am really trying to put everything in God's hands and just do the best I can with all of it. I have started back at the catholic church and am loving it. Even Chris is liking it and the girls love it! I am trying to figure things out to get the younger two baptized and get Whytney her first communion and all of that accomplished. But there is just so many other things that it's not at the forefront of my mind all the time.

One of the biggest things is that Chris has about 14 months left in the army and then he is finished. Even if he wanted to stay in the army is increasingly becoming worse so it is what he wants. He wants to go to school and finally do what he has been wanting for a very long time. This makes me happy because I want him happy. But it does scare me and worry me because of how many doctors Meadow sees and her medication. I just pray that she is able to receive the care with my insurance she does on his.

Another thing is that I am teaching again. I have been teaching again for almost two months and I love being back in the classroom. However, it is proving to be very challenging. I have had a few issues, and do not feel that I have the best support there. The teachers I work with are fantastic and they are great. If it weren't for them I'm not sure I would be doing as well as I am.

Meadow is, as always, at the base of many huge things. She is now in therapy outside of school for speech and OT. This is helping her and I am grateful that her doctor realized she needed this extra help. She is doing really well and we are very proud of the accomplishments she has been making. Whytney is another story. This semester has been horrible for her and her grades are horrific. But she is in tutoring now and hopefully her grade in math will begin to improve.

I have other things on my mind and I am just praying that the Lord helps me let them go. I am trying to understand that until my family is where it needs to be I don't need to worry about other things around us.