Checking in

I have been so busy the last few months since I started working and I have to say that it has been great having somewhere to work that I really enjoy. I love working there. The people are great and I have met some great people. It has been sort of sad not being near the kids so much but now that they are in school it is easier for them. Lizzie had surgery this past week but is doing great. She has bounced back very quickly and she is acting like nothing has happened! My husband and I are improving a lot after we had an issue in June that was very big and caused major problems with him for awhile. But we are doing better and we are really trying hard. I just love my family so much and am so blessed to have them in my life. My dad is great and has really tried hard to be there as often as he can. I wish my husband's family could take a lesson from him and see how being in their grandchildren's lives are important and will create lasting memories. The Lord has truly blessed me in so many ways.

Jobs

So today I had a face to face interview with Delta for their baggage claim call center. The pay is okay, not wonderful, but they have this awesome benefit where me and my family, and buddies get to fly for free! And it's anywhere Delta flies. That is so awesome. I am really thinking this would be a great thing to have. I think the interview went well. The guy who interviewed me was totally nice and I have a friend who works there and she talked to him and apparently thinks it is looking like I may have a job in a few weeks. But we will see. I am just praying. I desperately need something though. Then I can help out around here and then I can like send Whyt to visit Carina and Ryan over the summer and we can all go visit. And I can go visit a couple friends that I really miss. But we will see. If I by chance happen to get a teaching position and have this job then I would try and keep both so I can still have the flight benefits. It could be a good thing. But only the Lord knows and hopefully I will have something soon to help out the family.

Wonders

I really wonder sometimes if we are ever going to get to a place where we aren't trying to figure out how to afford well anything. I mean really. It really is hard for me because we are always broke. We often times don't even have the money to pay our bills. And I have tried to look for work and I am really trying to figure things out. It's just so difficult. I am praying constantly for a job so that I can help and we can somehow get some of these bills paid off. It seems like we finally get a credit card paid off but then we have to use it because we can't live otherwise. I really wish we could figure something out. Once, when our cars are paid off, we will finally be able to put money in savings. And then maybe we will be able to get credit cards paid off and actually be able to survive. I want Chris to get out of the army in 2 years. But if we can't get ahead then that will never happen. I am just so worried and stressed out over it all. How does anyone get ahead in life? I feel like we never will.

Marriage retreat

So this weekend Chris and I went on an army sponsored marriage retreat in Hilton Head Island, SC. They paid for the hotel, dinner Friday, breakfast and lunch Saturday and then had a class on Saturday morning. They only did one session and had childcare on Saturday night for those who brought their kids with them. All of this to help couples learn how to relate better. The class was basically a video called "Laugh your way to a better marriage". I completely recommend it after just watching a few hours of it. Besides being so funny I was dying laughing, it was beyond true. Everything the man said was so true it was uncanny.

Friday night the dinner wasn't good so Chris and I grabbed a pizza. We had been invited by others to go out clubbing and drinking, but that is not our style. We hung out in our room, ordered chocolate cake and cheesecake from room service, and watched a movie on the tv.

Saturday we ate breakfast, went to the class, and then ate lunch. After lunch we rented bikes from the hotel and went riding and sight seeing a bit. It was so fun! We really enjoyed it, even if we were both very rusty when it comes to riding bikes. After that we went swimming and walked along the beach. I got crazy sunburn but it was completely worth it. That evening we went to dinner at an Italian place and hit up some miniature golfing. We just overall enjoyed spending time together.

Sunday we slept in a bit! Woohoo 9 am. We ate breakfast, and then had a couple's massage! It was Chris's first massage ever and it was great. Then we drove home. And now we are home with our awesome family. We had a great time and really needed the time away but we really did miss our girls.

Being positive

Some days are harder than others for me to be positive about things. I have noticed that when I get depressed, I get crazy depressed. Yesterday I couldn't barely get out of bed let alone function on a normal level. But today I woke up, tired as helk, but feel like I could take on the world. I seriously think something is wrong with me but it's like I can't seem to find meds that really do the trick. Yet trying to get in with a psych doctor is like pulling teeth. They are always booked out and unless you catch them like the 1st of the month they can't even attempt to get you an appointment for like four months from then. It is really proving to be a very difficult thing for me to handle at this point but I feel like I have no choice. I just hate it for the girls. Hopefully this class for cna that I am planning on taking that starts the end of May will help.

Meadow's IEP meeting May 10th has me a bit worried but I'm fairly certain I already know the outcome. I am pretty sure she will spend another year in preK or at least in the class she is in now. But until the meeting I can't be sure for sure. I will just have to wait and see.

Lizzie is doing so well and she is starting to potty on her own. It makes me so happy. I can't wait until she is completely potty trained and is able to wear regular undies. I can't wait for her! Plus it will surely make my life a lot easier. That is another thing I can't wait for. No more diapers, ever!

Whyt has her last week of soccer this week and she is going to be so bored after that is over. But it's only over for like a month because she has tryouts for next year the end of May and then camps and such if she chooses to go to those. We shall see what happens.....

Why me!!!!?????!!!

So we are stuck at Ft. Gordon. I am not happy but I think I'm really just unhappy in general. I'm not sure how much of my depression and unhappiness has to do with us not pcsing. I just don't know if I'm happy with any part of my life anymore. I love my husband, and I love my kids. But I keep having thoughts of wanting to just leave it all and just start over fresh, with no ties to anyone or anything. But I can't leave them. I love them all so much. I know a big part of my unhappiness is my sitting at home all the time. I really need a job and I need to do something because I feel like I'm just sitting here losing my mind more and more everyday. I love raising the girls and I'm glad to be home to do things with them but it's a nightmare for me mentally and emotionally. And it's not fair to the girls. It really isn't. I just wish that I knew what God wanted for me and my life. I feel like I'm drowning and have no life support.

Spring Cleaning

So today I woke up and just decided to start going through things. My husband and oldest had the unfortunate task of helping me since I can't do everything by myself at this moment in time. I am still healing, although it's been 4 and a half weeks. But I got so much done and I feel really good about what we got accomplished today. I feel like I can breathe a bit now and my house doesn't feel so cramped downstairs to me any longer. The way the living room area is shaped is so odd that it is difficult to really have room for things and them look right. So just moving one bookshelf out of the room has opened it up a lot. Ah, I can breathe now and go cook dinner. I still need to tackle my kitchen and will do so when I have more energy.

So much drama

So my daughter is in 6th grade, almost finished with it and lately things have been coming up that I just still can't wrap my head around. Bullying is starting to become much more apparent than in previous years, and there is a clear line of who is who. In this sense, and many others, I am glad that next year she will be attending a magnet school instead of the one here on post. The teachers here are horrible and nobody cares about the students. Recently an issue arose where a girl in my daughter's class brought a condom to school and other things occurred. Whytney did the right thing and told me about it when she came home. The only reason this issue was even addressed at school is because I sent an email to ever teacher, the principal and the superintendent of the district. I never should have had to go that far but the school literally does nothing. Then I see on the news that the other county district is passing stricter bullying laws. You would think that this county would get their head's out of their behinds and do that as well. Oh well. Only so much I can fight the system. This is why I try to stay out of Whyt's school stuff mostly.

So we got turned down by EFMP for us moving to Ft. Campbell. We have 2 years left in the army and then we are finished with it. Chris wants to use his GI Bill to go to school and become a nurse. I am also going to concentrate on getting back into teaching once we are up there. The girls are happy because they can stay here and don't have to move again for awhile. And Whytney will be back just in time to start high school. I hope her high school experience is better than a friend of mine's daughter's experience has been so far.

Need something

but I'm not sure what. Lately things with Chris have been getting tense and it's mostly on my part. I know it is and I'm not sure what to do to change it. The past has decided to rear it's ugly head and I can't seem to get it out of my mind. I think about what would happen if I died and I know now that he could move on easier than I ever could if something happened. And that makes me wonder if this is a life I need to continue with. The girls adore their dad and I hate that I am even having thoughts of the possibility of leaving. I have prayed and prayed and don't know what to do. I don't feel closer to Chris suddenly, I feel like I'm pulling away. And I don't know what to do to stop it. The therapist we saw is no longer here on post, he moved to Ft. Stewart so I can't even go back and see him. I wish I knew what to do.

Wonders where our life will lead us

Things are so up in the air and that never does well with me. I hate that we are pending assignment but that depends on EFMP. And if it takes too long for EFMP then we are stuck here anyway unless Chris gets promoted finally. And I also am getting depressed, which is another thing that isn't good. But the only thing that helps is exercise, which I can't do for 3 more weeks. Well 3 1/2 really. I hate sitting around doing nothing. I feel like I'm just getting fatter and not losing anything. And sitting around and being depressed makes me want to eat so that is never a good combination. I think I want to go buy a bike. And then I need to get a seat for Lizzie for the back of it. Then I can take her out for rides when the girls are at school and Chris is at work. I think it would be nice to ride with her. She may really like it and I think it would be good exercise when I can exercise again. Also the pool will open up here in a month or so and then we can go there. I really need to get a new swimsuit. I do have one that I need to try on again to see if it works still. I just want to get outside and exercise. I'm sick of being stuck in the house.

Our house is in negotiation and that is a good sign I guess. We are hoping something happens and it sells soon because we really need that one thing off our backs. Then we can concentrate on other things. I am grateful that next tax year we will most likely be able to pay off the car and have one less car payment. If we can get rid of our car payments by the time Chris is supposed to get out of the army in 2 years then the transition to civilian life will be much easier for us. And we can always stay with my dad until we are on our feet and we are doing okay. And I know that we will survive. Now that we have this 2 years, I just have a feeling we will survive just fine. And then we can work on getting our credit back to where it needs to be.

I am really missing so much right now. This weekend we go to Spartanburg and I really can't wait for that. I need to get out of here for awhile. And I can't wait to see people that I miss. I just wish that other people, who lived farther, would be able to be there. But one weekend wouldn't be enough to catch up with them! If gas prices weren't so high we would go driving cross country this summer but I'm thinking we are going to have to wait on that a bit. Which totally sucks because I really want to go to Wyoming and see Renee, and to Cali to see Carina. I still may be able to fly out to see her but I'm not sure yet. I keep postponing it and I can't keep doing that. I need to get off my butt and do something about it.

Going to cry now

My baby is 2. Lizzie Lou turned 2 today. And today is also the 6th anniversary of my mother's death. This day is always bittersweet for me. I miss my mom so much. It's been 6 years and she never got to meet Meadow or Lizzie. But I know that she would have loved them and cherished them just as much as she always did Whytney. These 3 girls are so wonderful and amazing. I look at them everyday and realize how blessed I am to have the family I have. I know my mom is smiling down on me from heaven because I finally have the life she always wanted for me. I have a husband who is incredible and is the greatest father I could imagine and children who are more than I deserve. The Lord has blessed me immeasurably and I can't complain. One day, when we are all in heaven, my mom will get a chance to know these wonderful girls and see how incredible and unique all 3 are.

Wish they would make up their mind

I swear, the army is worse than a teenage girl when it comes to making decisions. We had been told for weeks we were heading to Colorado yet nothing was showing up. Then we ask to just stay where we are since nothing was happening and we find out they are saying Kentucky now? Wait, what? So now we have no idea what is happening with anything. I wish the army would just make up their mind because we just want to know where we are going or if we are staying here.

Other than that whole thing things are going really well. Chris and I are doing better than ever, and our marriage is becoming so strong. Whytney is doing wonderfully, Meadow is improving leaps and bounds, and Lizzie is growing like a weed. So now we just need to know what is happening and things will be great.

I have two friends about to have babies, another who is goin to become a parent after waiting for so long for a miracle, and others who are just wonderful friends. I am so blessed and the Lord has really been wonderful to me and my family.

New chapter coming soon!!!

So we found out today we are most likely moving to Colorado in a few months. While it's far from our family in SC, it is an incredible chance at a new start with the army. It's one we completely need and that Chris totally deserves. We are just waiting on the official orders now but it is looking like that is where we are going.

Not much else is happening with us otherwise. We are continuing our nightly bible study and devotion and we are really becoming a stronger couple. I am so thrilled the Lord blessed us with an opportunity to heal together instead of this mess that occurred tearing us apart. I seriously have a wonderful husband and I am blessed everyday with the man that God has allowed to be my husband.

Still an official army wife

So today we found out for certain that officially Chris's chapter was thrown out and that he is now back to having the rest of his contract to finish out. But that is okay. We are looking at a few options now and we are really considering PCSing to another place. The only thing that is difficult for me at the moment is whether or not I will have a teaching job next year back at the school I was at last year. I am hoping to find out for sure in March when I go. That will truly make up our minds about about whether or not we take the pcs and also we are waiting to find out where that we are able to go. I am hoping for Ft. Carson or Ft. Lewis if we have the option. Although Ft. Lewis would be the best choice in some ways because Whyt's best friend here is also moving there. And I just love her and her family to pieces. But we are praying about it and leaving it in God's hands. Ultimately, this chapter being taken away was God's work and we will know what option is best for us because it will be where the Lord leads us.

My weight loss journey week 1

So I joined weight watchers exactly one week ago. My initial weight was 165 and tody I weighed myself and I am at 162! I am trying really hard and trying to eat right and do what I need to do. Its hard but I am trying because I want to be able to be a normal weight and I want to be healthy for my family.

I also have a consult with the plastic surgeon on Feb 15th for a tummy tuck. Regardless of the amount of weight I lose, I wil always have that loose skin from having babies. So I am going and will find out if the army is going to pay for it or not. It could get interesting if they do and I go through with it. I heard it's very painful and sucks for the first few weeks, but after that it is not so bad and can be great. So here's to hoping it goes well for me.

I have stopped drinking all sodas. I have drank only water and had a cup of juice here and there. I hate it, but I have even cut out the wine in my diet. Booo. That is hard for me as I love a glass of good wine at night with dinner a couple nights a week. Oh well. It's all worth it in the end.

So I started at 165. My goal is to get to 134. Although, I would be super happy if I even got into the 140s as that is normal weight for me. I just want to be healthy and happy.

Please share this is one of my husband's songs

Please share this is one of my husband's songs

All in God's hands

So I got a sewing machine. I have no clue how to make anything but I really want to learn. I have wanted to learn for quite sometime and I found one on Craigslist so I got it. I have played with i a bit today and am really excited about it. I really hope I am able to learn how to make things with it.

Things are going okay with us but they aren't wonderful. Financially we are in about the same place we have been in, but we will get all of that figured out. As a couple we have our ups and downs but we are surviving. I am very worried about the trust thing but I know that it takes a ton of time and that no matter what happens we will be the best parents we can be.

Right now my focus is getting Whytney's application for this school she is trying to get into completed and mailed to the place. If she gets in we will know by April 1 so it will be what it is. I think she has a real shot at getting in but it does depend on how many students they can take and all that. So we will just have to see.

Other than that things are going okay. I am just trying to get through a lot. We have had 4 showings on our house in 3 days so that is pretty huge and I am praying that something happens soon. But it is in the Lord's hands and we sit in his waiting room until He is ready to give us answers. So far the answer has been no. Either that or we are waiting and He has not replied.

I am thinking Chris isn't getting kicked out, at least not anytime soon now. Turns out they haven't done any paperwork on him and they haven't flagged him for it like they are supposed to. So who knows what is happening, if anything is happening at all. We just sit and wait. We do know though that it takes 90 days from the time the paperwork is complete so we know we have awhile still. Since no paperwork has beendone then 90 days isn't even what we are looking at. So I am thinking they aren't going to be doing it at all. I think it is going to just be dropped and that he will be okay. So in 2 years and 5 months we will be out of the army and then a civilian.

We found a house off post that is rent to own and it fits our family and is bigger so we are going to move there. We really like it and are waiting for our application to come back. We will find out on Monday. Then we can move off post, which will be nice, and if Whyt gets into this school we will know that this is the town we will reside in once Chris gets out. At least until Whytney graduates from high school. Then, who knows where life will take us.

A new year of uncertainties

So 2010 is gone and 2011 is here. I am extremely worried about the uncertainties we face going into this new year as there are so many things to be worried about. Currently, the army is trying to kick my husband out. They are gathering the paperwork and all that for it. So we wait, wondering how long it will take and if it will even happen. We are trying to prepare for it to happen, but it is very difficult when we don't know when it may happen, or if it will succeed in happening. If he doesn't get kicked out, we are going to be finished when his time is up. The army, here in Georgia, has proven to be something we don't want any part of longer than we have to be any longer.

My job is not a great one but it is a job. It doesn't pay well but it gives us the extra we need at this time. I am going to try and find a teaching position so that I am able to do what I am educated to do and what I love. Parts of me still regret giving up my contract for this year to move, but as far as my marriage and my familiy is concerned, it has been been the best thing for us. Although, there was a point where my mariage almot didn't survive this. But that is not due to the move, that is due to Chris's actions while deployed. And those actions, which did not hinder his actions of being a soldier, are now what is causing us this strife.

Chris has a plan on what he wants to go to school for and do with his life once the army is not his employer any longer. I am anxious for that to happen but also am concerned about the instability and the lack of medical insurance. I wish I knew what we were up against so that I was able to start planning and figuring things out. Meadow, especially, is in great need of this because she has her medication and such that she takes.

The future as it is is very uncertain and very stressful to think about. So today I will think about today.