A moment

Today I have had a few moments where I can't stop myself from crying. I have recently stopped taking my medication and have done so willingly. It hasn't been helping and I would rather not fill my body with things that do not help me. Meadow has been acting up and that upset me because I just don't know how to get through to her. Nothing works and it's difficult to deal with. Then I started crying becuase I am watching a show and a woman lost her husband, who was a police officer. That made me think of Chris and how I don't think I could survive if something happened to him. I know that God would not take him from our family unless we could survive the loss, but I can't imagine it. I truly just can't imagine life without him. Even the prospect of him wrapping his arms around me as I fall asleep is hope and if he was in heaven I wouldn't even have that to cling to. That is something I am not sure I could bear.

Whytney was truly a wonderful help today. She not only helped with the girls, but she made me lunch. Then she vaccuumed, cleaned the bathroom, did the dishes, and folded the laundry that was in the dryer. She told me later that she had asked God to help her be a better person. And that makes me want to cry too. She is a wonderful child and I hope that the Lord helps her grow into an incredible adult. She is so much more than I ever could have hoped for in a daughter. I am just glad that Chris came along and gave her the one thing in her life she never had before, a dad. I cannot wait until the adoption papers are finalized and she is legally his. In his heart he already feels she is his so might as well make it official. Then Whytney will never have to wonder again.

keeping faith

After one year away, we have only a few weeks left. While we have a direction that our life is taking, it is hard to keep faith at times. My family is my entire world. It took me a long time to realize that my family means my husband and three girls. Chris's family doesn't understand that our family means more to us than they do. We love them but Chris and I have to do what is best for our little family.

School is going okay. I am not liking this class I am taking but I am going to deal with it for the next couple weeks. Then I will be in another class. I can't wait to be finished with all this excel stuff. I also can't wait to be finished with summer school. I am glad that I am working this summer but it is really putting a damper on a few things. Like my mother-in-law called and said I could use a timeshare at the beach for a week. That is a free place to stay for a week at the beach! So that isn't fun at all. But I am going to try and make it to where I can possibly get down there for at least a couple days. But I shall see.

I need to finish painting my kitchen and my living room. I was going to do the kitchen orange but now I'm not sure. I think I should just paint it the beige color I am doing the rest of the living room. What if I paint it orange and the realtor tells me I have to change it again? I want it to be orange but I just don't know what to do. I am really confused. At least my bedroom, bathroom and the other bathroom are finished. Once I get the living room and kitchen finished then I will just keep the girls' rooms as clean as possible. Poor Whyt's room is jammed full of stuff. Lizzie and Meadow's room isn't quite as bad. I just can't wait for the house to sell so that I am able to have more space. Whether it be a house here in Spartanburg or a house somewhere else. That all depends on our future plans as a family.
I am trying so hard to get my house clean and I need to paint the kitchen and the living room. I think I need to get to work on the kitchen since I can but it's hard with these kids.

Ever wonder????

Sometimes I sit and think about things and wonder what other people wonder about their life? Do people wonder about the future and what path is the one God wants them to follow like I do? I ask these because my husband and I are very different in this way. I am always looking towards the future while he concentrates only on today. Just a curiosity I suppose on my part.

Things are going okay although I wish I would have decided against teaching summer school. I like teaching and am glad I am busy during hte day but I do wish I had more time at home. There are things I need to get completed and my school is suffering because of this. But I will be okay. I will teach for another month and then I will be finished. Then school will start for the year and I will be in teh classroom all day again. Part of me regrets moving down to kindergarten but part of me is also very glad. With my scores in ELA for the students I wish I was able to continue what I was doing there. But God wants me in Kindergarten so that is where I will be. I just hope I am able to help these little girls learn as much as the boys I had this last school year.

Chris and I are doing fabulously and that is wonderful. He will be home from his deployment soon and we will get back into our weekend routine. While that is good, I wish we were able to be together all the time. Hopefully within the next few years that will become our reality rather than just something we wish for.

I am going to get Meadow a referral to a doctor in Greenville to have her evaluated for her behavior. I think there is more than ADHD going on with her and I want to know everything I can so that we can help her the best ways possible. I love her and worry about her and want to make sure that she is getting all of the help she needs for everything.

Whytney gets on her very first airplane ride by herself next weekend. She has flown many times but this will be her first solo trip. I am nervous but I know she will be okay.

Lizzie Lou is doing wonderfully and she is growing so big and strong. While I never wanted three children, I couldn't have asked for a better third child. She is a wonderful little girl who is just like her oldest sister but has some of her other sister's energy. We shall see how she turns out when she is older.

Ahhh, now to get our house back on the market and get it sold so we can move to wherever it is we will move to.

Down and out

Today I have been feeling a bit depressed. I am not exactly sure why I feel that way, but I do. I really miss my husband right now and it's just been awfully hard as of late. Although, I really should be happy because he will be home in a few weeks or so. I really just can't wait for him to be back home and with our family again. It's bittersweet in some ways because we already know when his next deployment is going to be. So the next months I will always have that in the back of my mind and will know that it is coming again. I have never been so in love with anyone and while this is the life we live currently, it does not make the separation any easier. I think that because our love is so deep and our connection so true, it makes it more difficult. Next deployment our 4 year old will be in kindergarten and our 14 month old will be almost 3 years old. So we have time, but not a ton. I can't wait until that deployment is over and his time in the army is finished and we can be together all the time. At that time our youngest will be about to start kindergarten, our middle will be finishing 1st grade, and our oldest will be finishing the 7th grade. We will finally have the life we are supposed to have and our children will finally have mommy and daddy home all the time.

Lots of changes

Since deciding to stay in our house and not sell it due to multiple reasons, I have been fixated on fixing it the way I want it. I am trying to truly make it home for me and I have no decorating sense whatsoever. So my friend is helping me and we are concentrating on one room at a time. Right now we are doing the master bedroom. I have painted it and have gotten new bedding and stuff. Now crown molding is going up and new baseboards. It should be finished here in a week or so. I can't wait. Then it's the living room and kitchen. Whytney wants to do her room too but we shall see what happens there. I think I'm honestly just trying to keep my mind off of things because I miss Chris so badly. I want things to be pretty when he comes home. I miss him so much and I hate him being gone. There is also a bunch of drama at school and I am trying to keep my mind off of all of that too. None of the drama involves me but it seems like when it involves anyone everyone at school has to suffer for it. But oh well. I will survive this. I am excited that tomorrow I get to move things into my new classroom. I can't believe I am going to be teaching kindergarten! I hope it goes well. Next year is my evaluation year and that will be a very big deal. Once I pass that then I will have my professional certificate. And that will enable me to truly be able to teach. So if Chris stays in the army then I will be able to teach with the DOD. Or, if we stay here, then I can teach here. I will just have more options overall. So we shall see what happens. Right now I just want my husband to come home and wrap his arms around me. I want him to hold me tight and make me feel safe.